The day he died he was 18, larger than life and then, his big muscular frame stopped twitching and everything went eerily still. I was touching his hand and didn’t cry because I knew he’d wake up and so I gently whispered his name, trying so hard not to faint in that emergency room. Someone behind me forcefully pulled me back, engulfed my little frame with his arms and told me he’s gone. I hit him with my fists for saying those words, I was so angry, I hated this person for being insensitive and for telling me lies. I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs and I ran out in the corridor.
I thought this only happened to other people. But that was my little brother, my childhood best friend and I watched him die in front of my eyes, just like that…
At that moment a ball of emotions hit me, the last memory of meeting him a day before as he gave me something of his to keep safe, the pain and helplessness of what my family was about to suffer, the pain of what my brother must have felt as he was hit so suddenly and knowing this could be the end for him and the fear of not knowing what will be in our future from now on!
I was terrified of everything and so I couldn’t cry. I had to hold it all in and be a rock that I knew I could be.
I don’t want to remember my Mothers face or my Fathers or my sisters but memories don’t just go away, they stick to your heart and mind and come back every now and then like pesky flies to bother you.
But the pain of the actual loss slowly dissipates over the years, once we stop thinking and talking about those moments…
Life Happens only if we allow it to. Unfortunately in the case of my sweet Mother life has come to stand still at a time before this time. Or even when she pretends to live she does so for every one else and forgets to live for herself. Her everyday starts and ends with that day! I can’t blame her, I can’t help her but I do know of that emptiness and half-life that exists within her more completely now that I ever did before!